


Tamagotchi

by MultiphandomHeather



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Character Study, Dissociation, Existential Crisis, F/F, Hopeful Ending, I was contemplating my entire existence in class so here we are, I wrote this instead of studying, Yves is a bit lost but that's okay, stripper!jinsoul but it's not a fic like THAT, we're staying pg in this house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21908431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MultiphandomHeather/pseuds/MultiphandomHeather
Summary: It is said that there is a difference between living and existing. Some people manage to toe the line.Or: Yves contemplates the complex reality without paying it too much time and attention
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	Tamagotchi

Yves was never the type to mind solitude. She had decided a long time ago that some things were better at distance. However even the most withdrawn minds needed some kind of stimulation from time to time in order to maintain a certain level of sanity. That’s how she found herself staring at the smudgy glass shop front a couple blocks from her house.

Thankfully, it was an electronic store with some televisions on the display and not a restaurant or other public space that could contain people being freaked out by the woman glaring at them through the window. It had happened before, but Yves never noticed as the things behind the glass didn’t matter to her at all. At this point at least.

She used to look through the glass and absorb the sight of colorful variety behind it or observed people passing by and caught the tiny quirks they probably weren’t aware of. But somewhere along the way Yves started noticing her own insignificance in the blurred reality and it aligned perfectly with her detachment from other human beings. So now she was staring _at_ the glass having no idea what was behind it.

Of course she was aware that there had to be something there, she wasn’t dumb. But standing on the other side of the glass meant not being a part of that and what was the point of getting involved into something that didn’t concern her in the slightest? The dimmed light illuminating her face was enough to provide her with a proof that there was some form of existence there. Great, she could go home.

Ever since she published her first demo, the streets became less crowded. Of course it had nothing to do with her music but measuring time was an overwhelming task and using major life events had proved to be much more efficient anyway. Her parents even gifted her a watch on her twentieth birthday, but the battery has run out a long time ago and Yves never got around to replace it.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket, making her focus all remaining attention on the small device. Haseul. She wanted to know if she could come over. As if Yves ever refused.

“Have you written anything new lately?” that question was always asked when the two of them met up. Haseul was Yves’ self-proclaimed number one fan and always showered her friend with enthusiastic support.

“Yes.” No, she didn’t.

“Amazing! Will you show me later?”

“Of course.” No, she won’t.

After the first couple songs were released she struggled with creating new ones. The small but dedicated audience has been captivated by the unapologetic stance of Yves who channeled every negative emotion into heart wrenching lines. Sooyoung created the alter ego to present a strong front and send a message that every failure could be a new beginning.

Putting all of Sooyoung’s anger, sadness and anguish into words left her nothing to work with. Fans wanted to feel something. To experience and relate to her pain and suffering. Yves however couldn’t suffer properly and thus the process has come to a halt.

“Have you eaten today?”

“Yes.” She actually did.

“Drunk?”

“Yes.”

“Slept?”

Same answer. Haseul didn’t have to worry about her wellbeing at all as Yves had a strict routine when it came to her basic needs. Partly because they were the only ones that required effort on her part.

“I’m concerned about you.”

Yves stared into her friend’s eyes. Indeed they were full of doubts. Interesting.

“Why?”

Everything was going smoothly in her life. She got proper nutrition and consumed her meals regularly. Her caffeine intake was perfectly balanced with water and she never felt weak or fatigued due to improper hydration. Also she was probably the only artist not complaining about the infamous problems with insomnia. Yves’ sleep schedule stayed constant and she was perfectly rested without oversleeping.

“I don’t get it.” She repeated.

“You don’t seem alright.” Haseul responded. “You don’t seem… alive.”

Her explanation didn’t make anything clear. Yves was definitely alive, she made sure a couple hours ago in front of the store. How could her friend not see that?

“I am definitely alive, Haseul.” She assured, still not understanding what was going on.

The younger woman sighed, her eyes getting even more clouded than before.

“Of course you are.” She said after a second and smiled. “How are things going with Jiwoo?”

Yves shrugged. Jiwoo was the only match suggested by Tinder that actually managed to catch her attention. At least enough for her to follow the girl on Instagram and even send a DM from time to time. Jiwoo was a sweetheart that talked a lot and seemed to always be in a great mood. She just required an occasional bit of attention to continue rambling happily about her life.

“Oh, come on.” Haseul groaned. “She’s a cutie. You didn’t reject her and that means something.”

The only reason for that was her Tinder bio that contained a quote that seemed to come from a legitimate book and not a trashy song. Also Jiwoo’s face had more emotion than makeup and it made her stand out among the overly dolled up girls that tried to get Yves’ attention. Apparently, her music was “totally deep” and “super dope”. Whatever that was supposed to mean.

“Maybe at least text her?” A hopeful smile that became wider after her reply.

“I will.”

She didn’t.

**

Three days after their quick catch up Haseul dragged her to a club because apparently Yves needed some _action_. If a suggestive shoulder shimmy and a terrible wink weren’t an obvious indicator what kind of action was on her friend’s mind, she was in for a long night. There was no harm in going out as nothing will happen anyway. Action usually required reaction to work and there was no chance she was giving it to anyone.

Still, she decided to put a reasonable amount of effort into her appearance without making herself stand out too much. Ever since people started recognizing her on the streets, Yves begun dreading crowds and mastered the art of tuning her surroundings down enough to slither through it without getting unwanted attention.

“You look stunning!” Kahei’s gushed in that soft voice of hers that managed to make even such a casual complement sound genuine. Yves observed the older woman taking her best friend’s hand and giving her a smitten look. Ah, love. Adorable.

“Let’s go, let’s go!” Jungeun pushed the three of them inside with a wicked grin that could suggest she has started partying a while ago. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.

The club was filled with bodies that either clung to each other or tried to avoid any possible contact which usually ended up in bumping right into someone else. Their small group had to share space with this mass and got inevitably separated after about three steps in. Yves steadily navigated around the spasming individuals that seemed to be completely entranced in these pseudo rhythmic moves. Whatever atavistic instincts possessed them seemed to have an effect on others as new bodies kept flooding the dancefloor.

Yves eventually managed to escape the mayhem and moved to the bar where she could hopefully wait until the night was over. A couple shots appeared in front of her before she even mustered any sort of order. The bartender’s expression mirrored her own as they exchanged a common courtesy of avoiding any eye contact with each other.

It took Jungeun approximately a couple minutes to find her. Yves was not sure how many exactly, but she managed to drink three shots in the meantime. She could still feel some of the burning lingering in her throat when the smaller woman dropped on a stool next to her and immediately got her own share of tiny glasses.

“Cheers.” She muttered and downed the first shot, grimacing at the sensation. Yves stared at her friend consuming small doses of alcohol. Every time Jungeun winced at the taste but continued drinking, only stopping to deliver a liquor induced monologue.

Unfortunately, Jungeun’s temper only accelerated her pace of speaking and soon it turned into a slurred blur that was incomprehensible. Or maybe Yves just wasn’t fluent in the drunken gibberish. She sat on the stool and let the stream of words turn into white noise that blended with the symphony of typical club noises.

Her companion didn’t seem to mind and kept ranting about something or maybe someone. It usually was a someone. Funny how little it took for people to open up. Not that she judged her friend’s willingness to share even the smallest details of her probably fascinating story. On the contrary, she admired and maybe even envied the passion in Jungeun’s eyes. To be fair, it was probably amplified by the alcohol intake.

Yves casted a quick glance in the general direction of the bartender and received a second round of shots. Perfect customer service. She should remember the name and post a positive review on the website but that meant checking out the girl’s name tag which would destroy their mutual anonymity.

Without another word, Yves downed her fourth shot that night. It did nothing just like the previous ones and she wondered if she was even capable of reaching the frenzy Jungeun experienced. Some creators were said to get wasted in order to achieve the artistic nirvana that helped them create their opus magnum, so maybe it was the way to do it. Not that Yves had any right to call herself an artist.

She kept drinking until the multicolored lights seemed to tint her skin permanently and there was no way to tell if Jungeun was still occupying a stool next to her. Her vision turned hazy, but mind continued to work sharply and that proved this whole experiment to be a failure. If people drank to stop thinking only to get literally everything else off, it was a waste of time. That state only made her even more aware of the train of thought inside her head and she couldn’t find a single reason for it to be a good thing.

A gentle tap on her arm brought her back to reality. There was a girl with undistinguishable features that seemed to be facing her. Yves couldn’t understand her intentions and opted for a slow nod. The person in front of her processed the signal in her own away and soon Yves felt herself moving through the crowd again. Although this time is seemed to be even more suffocating that before and didn’t look like a mass of other human beings.

The mass that engulfed her was thick air, only one step ahead from turning into water. She felt like floating in the void with no anchor to hold her down. Yves decided that this was exactly how silence would act if someone managed to give it substance. She could work with that.

Suddenly the air turned drier and colder, no longer surrounding her like a blanket. Yves started walking forward, her movements sluggish but steady as she roamed the streets with no sense of direction. Reality was fading. That was the only explanation. She reached the point where she managed to dissociate from the world hard enough to lose any sort of physical form. It was unsurprisingly familiar as if she was destined to become a formless stream of consciousness once known as Yves.

Then there was pain. Something that intangible entities couldn’t experience and the confusion cause by that paradox made her more dazed than the actual sensation. Yves cracked her eyes open and promptly shut them back when blinding light attacked her. She scrambled her arms around in search for something to hold onto and eventually pressed her palms on a surface in front of her. Something cold and smooth.

Yves sighed and instinctively leaned closer to the cooling sensation. She groaned when her nose made contact with it and another flash of pain struck her. It made hot pink lights dance behind her eyelids and it took a lot of effort to not lose consciousness. Her drunken state must have weakened any sense of direction which lead to her face slamming right into a wall of some sort.

“Fuck.” Yves muttered to herself and accomplished the exhausting goal of opening her eyes again. The swaying has stopped but everything seemed to move in slow motion as if someone messed up the movie that was her life. And it wasn’t a cinematic masterpiece to begin with.

Locating the source of the light that have previously assaulted her with multitude of colors was the next achievement. The wall she collided with was transparent and turned out to be a window with some neons behind it. Yves could only theorize because her already lacking skills of accurate perception suffered due to the accident. It was confusing how after months of catatonic dullness her mind suddenly decided to pick up its pace and send myriad of thoughts through.

Yves could feel her body protest against the inner rush and steadied herself against the glass, leaving smudges with her numb fingertips. If she didn’t see them touching the surface, she would have no idea they made any contact with it. Mustering all leftover energy Yves concentrated on the glass, trying to absorb any type of energy that could ground her for longer than five seconds. The overwhelming glow only brought more headache and increased the nausea, so she eventually had to give up and move her head away from the window.

First thing she noticed was her own reflection and it was a startling experience. Of course she had no problem with recognizing herself, but it felt like looking at a distorted mirror. How long has it been since she properly took in her appearance? The woman gazing at her could be her twin sister. A bit lankier, with slightly more hollow cheeks and lacking any light in her eyes, but still similar enough to be considered a splitting image.

The woman’s features kept morphing, adding to her dizziness. No identity crisis should be severe enough to make her question her own hair color. It may have been weeks without looking in the mirror, but she probably would have noticed if her hair turned platinum blonde, almost white. Or would she?

“Do you need something?” her altered reflection spoke without moving its lips in a voice barely above a whisper.

“Yes.” Yves replied in the same manner. “I think I do.”

The girl blinked slowly, her eyes wider that Yves’ but equally dark and dull.

“What do you need?

“I-“ the breath caught in her throat even though no words have been spoken. “I don’t know.”

Somewhere far away from her a group of young people laughed loudly, shoving each other in a way that could be described both as playful teasing and real violence. Yves barely registered them, too occupied by the non-verbal conversation happening on the edge between dream and reality. Was it normal to feel completely understood by a mirror image?

“You have to wake up.”

A piece of advice that rivalled Haseul’s in a contest for the vaguest suggestion she ever heard. But this time it hit differently. It actually managed to find a small hole in Yves’ wall of apathy and get to her brain. Wake up. How does one wake up without realizing they have been asleep?

“How?”

Her vision turned blurry once again probably as a result of the second wave of intoxication. That turned her barely recognizable reflection into a hazy silhouette surrounded by a glowing halo. The already transcendental experience gained an even more oneiric flare. Maybe some sort of higher power took notice of her aimless wandering through the world and decided to give her a wake-up call.

“Yves?!”

Yves’ whole body jolted as if treated with an electric impulse. The force of that shock mercilessly ripped her out of the dreamlike state and shoved back onto a cold street of Seoul. She glanced around in confusion but couldn’t distinguish people from the buildings with eyes still not processing anything properly. Somebody called her name. Somebody knew her. Knew she was here.

The woman rubbed her eyes to help them work again and almost jumped when she felt her fingers getting wet. Tears must have started streaming down her face at some point, but she couldn’t tell when exactly. And why. Yves stared at her hand, slightly glistening and smudged with black splotches of mascara. The same one that was probably staining her face at the moment. She was utterly shocked and had to check if it was true. Her eyes moved to silently ask the reflection for an answer and the sight made her breath hitch.

Someone was standing there. Another human being with cascades of blonde hair that her dazed subconsciousness layered over her own before. The stranger observed her with scrunched eyebrows and pursed lips as if she was trying to solve a mystery. Yves could only gape at her with wide eyes while her chest tightened. She was making eye contact with someone on the other side of the glass. She actually saw _through_ the glass.

“Are you okay?” Yves wanted to slip back into the easy rhythm of their wordless exchange when she realized that the woman actually spoke. Her lips moved and Yves managed to read them. An action that required reaction.

“No, I’m not.” She sobbed but it came out as a “yes”. “Please help me.” She added but what left her mouth was “don’t worry.”

Casting one more look at the woman, Yves turned on her heel and started walking. Someone called after her. Wanted her attention. Maybe even an interaction. It was probably the same person that recognized her before. A fan. They usually wanted a picture to show off on Instagram and fish for likes. All these people who casually used her name despite not knowing anything about her life. Everybody considered her their friend because they listened to her album. If she had so many friends, why did she feel so alone?

Yves was taken aback by her own thought process. There was nothing wrong with being alone. She has never complained about it before and she certainly wasn’t going to start now. Dwelling on her inner turmoil that stayed silent for months was a pointless and exhausting task that required more energy that she could ever gather.

The chaos of resurfacing doubts, shallow breaths and stumbled steps made the walk blur into a flash. With time the light of streetlamps transformed into a bright glow of her phone and Yves found herself staring at the Instagram feed. An activity she have barely done in the past.

Jiwoo was there, smiling at her brightly like she always did. That was exactly what she needed right now. Yves’ studied the childlike face and tried to shake off the feeling of something being off. It was Jiwoo. The same Jiwoo as usual. The familiar glint in her eyes was present and seemed only a tiny bit too still. Big bright grin plastered on her face also lacked something in comparison to its real-life counterpart. Stupid. Jiwoo was Jiwoo.

She was looking at Yves with the same joyful expression that always faded with time as even the brightest girl on the planet couldn’t walk around with a smile constantly plastered on her face. However it was still present now and it made Yves feel uneasy. Jiwoo’s eyes were bearing into hers with the same intensity. Maybe it wasn’t Jiwoo after all. Her signature spark wasn’t present. The person staring at her from the picture wasn’t lively enough. Real enough.

Yves’ fingers moved on their own towards the screen and carefully touched the girl’s cheek. Nothing. No reaction. Jiwoo still smiled at her in the same unnerving way. She tried again as if trying to knock on Jiwoo’s door in hope she will be let in. The red heart kept popping in and out because of her rapid tapping but it didn’t make her any closer to the girl. Glass wall between the two of them seemed solid like steel and Yves couldn’t take it anymore.

She threw her phone across the room and felt a bitter sense of satisfaction when the screen shattered. Looking at the pieces scattered on the floor filled her with odd comfort.

Maybe she really was going crazy.

**

Two weeks after the eventful night Haseul gathered enough courage for another attempt to make Yves leave her home. None of them said a word about their last outing, Haseul probably from embarrassment and Yves just wasn’t completely sure if it happened in the first place. The vivid memories faded with time and soon only the girl’s face remained engraved in her brain.

It complicated her daily functioning to an alarming degree. First, she recognized the blonde in a barista when Haseul took her to a cozy coffee shop. The girl seemed startled by Yves’ behavior to put it lightly. Truth be told it wasn’t a common occurrence for women to freeze, stare at her face with wide eyes before taking their coffee and calmly leaving the scene as if nothing ever happened. Yves went back to being unbothered after realizing her mistake and spent the whole outing replying mechanically to Haseul’s endless stream of words.

Another day a glass slipped from her hand when Jungeun excitedly presented her new hairstyle. Soft gushes and compliments died on her friends’ lips because of the loud crash. Yves assured everyone that she simply lost hold and that Jungeun of course looked beautiful. She really did, platinum suited her well and enhanced her attractiveness. But every time Yves saw her friend’s face, a trippy blend of her and the stranger’s features appeared and forced her to look away. She ended up avoiding looking at Jungeun at all and shrugging off any concerned questions from her friends.

“Maybe third time is a charm!” Haseul suggested cheerfully and their next get together was scheduled to happen in a local bar with live music. Nobody could foresee how wrong her optimistic statement will turn out to be.

Whispers started spreading the second they entered and the women decided to ignore them, opting for getting some wine and unwind after a stressful week. Yves didn’t even notice the buzzing until a group of people swarmed her and started excitedly babbling about their shared past.

“We had science together!”

“You used to babysit my friend’s cousin!”

“Remember when we destroyed that vase during a party? Wild, right?”

“Oh my God, so nice to see you! So how much did _Eden_ make?”

Yves could barely comprehend what was happening. Every praise and affirmation were so fake that it turned into a shrill noise drilling into her head. Way too wide smiles looked disturbing and filled her with dread. It seemed like these people wanted to rip her apart and suck out the remaining emotion that could produce a new album. Oh how disappointed they would be after realizing there was nothing but empty space inside.

She wanted to tell them to leave her alone. To go back to their lives full of counting money made in more or less questionable ways. Wasn’t that what everybody did nowadays? The world thrived on money and people circled around potential opportunities. While Yves ate, drank and slept the world kept earning, buying and selling. Maybe soon she will get sold too?

Eventually Kahei exhibited a surprising amount of authority and managed to escort her out with a firm yet gentle hold on her arm. Yves barely even registered the cameras being waved in front of her face and someone telling her to smile. Publicity. Recognition. Fame. All these modern virtues glorified to the maximum by the society. When was her place in this mess? Yves had no answer and wasn’t sure if she wanted to get one.

After the fifth failure, Haseul gave up trying to make her go out and decided it was time for an intervention. Yves’ loathing for interaction reached its peak. She barely moved from the couch and kept her eyes glued to a notebook. The empty pages were taunting her, and the white color of paper hurt her eyes, so she decided to cover it. That’s how her three friends found her; hunched by the coffee table and scribbling randomly in her notebook that used to be regularly filled with breathtaking lyrics. Now it was drowning in black ink and the pages were torn in some places where Yves pushed the pen a little too hard.

“Maybe you need to see someone.” Kahei suggested quietly, holding Haseul’s hand. The younger girl seemed shock by her best friend’s state.

How did they get inside in the first place? The door was open, so they probably used it as an entrance. It was supposed to be locked though. Unless they had a key which they didn’t because Yves had no idea about her own set and there was only one. So the door wasn’t locked. Somebody should have locked it. But she lived alone so nobody could do it. Was she supposed to?

“Yeah, she needs to get laid.” Jungeun muttered with a shake of her head and yelped when Kahei elbowed her. “What?!”

“You’re not helping.”

“Well my apologies that I have no idea what to do.” Jungeun shot back sarcastically.

“And sex is your only solution?”

“Are you slut-shaming me?”

Get laid? She was fine sitting. Kahei mentioned sex though, so it was probably the right context. Her friend’s suggestion was to get her the necessary stimulation with an intercourse with somebody. Yves wasn’t opposed to sex, she even enjoyed it once she actually got to experience it, but the coital affairs never occupied her mind for long.

“You want to find her hook up?” Haseul seemed thrown off by the idea. “Come on Jungie, she’s better than that.”

“Oh come on.” Jungeun groaned. “She doesn’t have to _do_ anything. How long has it been since she saw a woman? Take her to a strip club or something.”

“A strip club.” Kahei repeated with a blank expression. Yves kept glancing from one woman to another and wondered if they were aware of her presence.

“I know how it sounds. But maybe she just needs to unwind.”

Yves glanced down at her hand and realized that it never stopped moving. The muscles must have gone numb from the endless effort and started working on autopilot. She followed the pattern with her gaze until it started shifting. The black lines formed an unknown shape that kept getting more and more detailed with every move. Sharp edges and soft curves aligned into a perfect combination that looked hauntingly familiar. Wide eyes stared at Yves from the paper and she couldn’t look away.

“See?” Jungeun pointed her finger victoriously. “Girl has hots for someone! She is in a gay funk and just needs to get over the heartbreaker.”

“Your simplifying is both horrific and impressive.” Kahei mumbled. “Soo is she right?”

Yves needed a second to realized she was finally being addressed in the conversation. She looked up at Kahei.

“Is who right?”

“Jungeun.”

Now Yves only had to remember what Jungeun was talking about, so she could give Kahei an appropriate answer. The problem was that everything her friends discussed left her mind the second she heard it. However the youngest girl usually seemed to understand her struggles, so Yves decided to play this one safe and just shrugged.

“I guess.”

Jungeun cheered for herself to Haseul’s dismay. They were probably disagreeing with each other as they usually did and this time Haseul was the loser while Jungeun gloated in her little victory.

“Dude.” her voice had a playful edge that filled all of them with dread. “Wanna see some strippers?”

“I’m not leaving the house.” Yves responded flatly, losing interest in the conversation.

“Okay…” Jungeun hesitated. “But do you want to see the strippers?”

“How is she supposed to do that without leaving?” Kahei sighed and rubbed her temples.

“We’ll just call and order a stripper.”

“What is this, Uber Eats?!” Haseul exclaimed in shock. “Why do you know so much about this, Jungeun?”

“You really are slut-shaming me.”

The two slipped back into their fussy bickering and Kahei just rolled her eyes. Yves observed as her friends exchanged pointless arguments that had no meaning in the long shot but seemed extremely important to them at this point. Some time ago Yves might have joined them. She even tried to light up the competitive spark that used to burn brightly inside her. Nothing happened.

Why was that bothering her now? It has been a long time she engaged in a playful discussion with her friends and she never paid attention to that fact. Was it possible for someone to never notice a change like that? Was anyone else aware of this?

Haseul reaction suddenly seemed off to Yves. She always enjoyed the company of attractive women. Not in a gross and predatory way, every relatively important girl in the past was a consenting individual in an appropriate age. Or a hired professional but they also agreed to everything that was happening. Sooyoung and Jungeun used to go on countless escapades that usually ended up in at least one of them successfully flirting with some women. So why did Haseul find her friend’s suggestion irrational?

Of course it has been some time since Yves has a closer relationship with someone. A couple months maybe. Or a year. She couldn’t recall and it starting to dawn on her why her best friend got confused. Both of them got used to the fact that Yves refused any company over the last couple years. Has it really been that long?

On the other hand Jungeun seemed to treat her the same way she always did. Or did she? A clouded memory flashed through Yves’ mind. Their conversation in a bar a couple weeks ago. Jungeun was going on and on about every little thing she could. Now that Yves started remembering bigger chunks from that rant, it occurred to her how unnatural it really was. As if Jungeun struggled to keep the words flowing. As if she knew Yves wasn’t actually aware of what she was saying. As if she tried to reach out to her in every way she could find.

Countless other examples started creeping slowly into Yves’ already confused brain. It was as if she was an outdated software that finally received an upgrade and had to quickly catch up to everything it missed.

“You’re both extremely unhelpful.” Kahei’s dry tone immediately stopped the other two from arguing. It wasn’t usual for the soft-spoken woman to be this frank.

Haseul and Jungeun muttered quiet apologies and looked down like ashamed children. Kahei rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Yves.

“So are you on board?” she asked gently.

Yves could feel her mind racing. More and more questions appeared as she relived some events from the last couple years that she didn’t pay attention to before. She felt lost but had no idea what she was looking for. It would be perfect to jump back into the previous life that kept replaying in her head right now. However, she had no idea how to do it. As if her whole body forgot the old way of doing things and went into a slumber.

“You won’t regret it.” Jungeun added, with her usual smirk. Yves could swear it didn’t use to be this wide before.

The idea of her friends having to feign that everything was fine for her sake made her sick. That was probably what pushed to make the final decision.

“Let’s do it.”

Jungeun’s face lit up ever so slightly as she assured her it will be great and started clicking something on her phone with Haseul peering over her shoulder. Yves looked back at her notebook, but the face has once again become a tangled mess of black ink on ripped paper.

**

Yves got the information about what was going to happen only twenty minutes before the meeting. Another person got paid to visit her apartment and show off their body to her entertainment. According to Jungeun a lap dance was possible but not obligatory and ultimately it was for Yves to decide whether she wanted a hypothetically attractive stranger in her personal space. The conditions seemed fair especially since the woman was supposed to get money for the effort and Yves had nothing to lose.

She zoned out in front of the window, once again not able to look past it. Was there even something there? It was dark outside, there should be stars in the sky. Where the hell were they? The glass surface glowed with blurry points of light that gave everything a yellowish hue. Yves struggled to find any comfort in the sight and started realizing that it wasn’t enough anymore. Or maybe she ran out of ways to ground herself in the moment and the moment of unavoidable blending with her surroundings caught on to her. Quite unfortunate now when she wanted to connect back into reality.

The little glowing circles were getting wider and Yves observed numbly how they melted together into a smooth surface of yellow. Once the pool of color left no room for black, the light dimmed slightly and her eyes hurt. She rubbed them with her palm to prevent them from crossing even more. What if her eyes decided to give up and stop bothering with doing their job for someone who didn’t care anyway?

Where were these goddamn stars?

“Excuse me?” a calm voice spoke behind her. Yves tried to remember how to use her body. She knew it was still working, just needed a little push to get used to reacting in a normal speed once again. Eventually Yves managed to turn around and greet the stranger in her apartment.

She didn’t get to say anything. Every fiber of her being glitched for a second before all resumed with enhanced intensity. The silhouette in front of her was composed of vibrant colors that swiftly blurred into one another, creating a fascinating kaleidoscope of stark contrasts and smooth gradients. Yves’ eyes started to hurt from the unfamiliar intensity that made her vision swirl in a circular motion. How long has it been since she looked at a sight so striking?

The platinum blonde hair appeared to be white and almost glowing against the electric blue trench coat. Yves forgot that so many different shades existed and it was a breathtaking revelation. It took her a moment to realize that she was probably creeping the woman out. She forgot the common courtesy of longer interactions with other human beings. An apology started forming itself on her tongue but died down when she looked into her guest’s eyes.

They were calm as was her whole face. Serene and undisturbed features got only slightly distorted when something similar to recognition flashed in the woman’s eyes. She looked as if she was wondering if they met before. The whole thought process made her eyebrows scrunch and Yves couldn’t help but think that yes, she knew this person.

“Welcome.” the woman greeted with a small smile and her eyes clouding in an alluring way that took Yves by surprise. “My name is Jinsoul and I’m here to keep you company tonight.”

Yves could only stare at the stunning woman in front of her. She remembered her. Jinsoul was the reflection that came to life in front of her eyes. She was real. Yves saw her, made eye contact with her, through a window. The glow of tacky lights still lingered in her memory as she recalled their first meeting over and over again. The smooth waves in her blonde hair. The attentive gaze that suggested she was willing to try and understand. The way her lips formed a simple question “are you okay?” that Yves should have asked herself a long time ago and demand an honest answer.

Her prolonged silence and awe-struck expression must have reminded Jinsoul of their very brief meeting in the past because she dropped the act for a second in exchange for the familiar concerned look.

“Everything alright?” she asked and Yves marveled at the calm tone. Jinsoul spoke slowly but without dragging the words out. Like she was carefully picking them in order not to waste her breath for nothing.

“I think I need some air.” Yves whispered, getting used to the long-forgotten feeling of acting on her needs. Jinsoul nodded slowly, clearly puzzled but trying to be as helpful as she could in the strange circumstances.

“Do you want me to open a window or-“

“Outside.” Yves rasped and cleared her throat. “We should go outside. I mean if you want to.”

She couldn’t form sentences properly as her mind was occupied with only one thought. She needed to leave this place. Her entire being demanded to be free from any potential containment. Of course it wouldn’t be strange if Jinsoul refused to go anywhere with her. Yves knew she must have been acting unhinged and out of her mind but truth be told, she couldn’t remember the last time she felt as much clarity as in that moment.

“Sure I guess.” The pace of Jinsoul’s words got even slower as the woman considered her options carefully.

“I’m sorry.” Yves sighed. What the hell was going on with her? “You can just- Hold on. Did you just agree?”

Jinsoul shrugged sheepishly but her eyes remained focused.

“You are aware that I’m not wearing too much under this coat though, right?” she pointed out.

Oh, right. She was supposed to be undressing and too many layers would make it inconvenient for a normal customer who did everything the way it was supposed to be done.

“Just a minute.” Yves assured. “You don’t have to go.”

“Lead the way.”

Yves would lie if she said she wasn’t relieved. There was something inside her that screamed at her that letting Jinsoul go would make everything worse. She was never one to believe in destiny or things like that. However there must have been a reason this woman not only appeared in her life once again but was also willing to accompany Yves during activities that definitely weren’t in her contract.

Her body moved on autopilot and only allowed her to take charge once they arrived at the destination. It wasn’t anything spectacular or theatrical, just the roof of her building. Somehow at that moment it managed to be the place where she needed to be the most. Above everything and everyone that contributed to the weight she had felt throughout all these years. Fame, recognition, the constant hustle and bustle and of the city. None of these things mattered up there.

“Hey, maybe we should stay here.” Jinsoul suggested, eyeing her cautiously. Yves turned around to see her huddled in the doorway, the blue coat wrapped tightly around her body.

“If you want to.” She replied and started walking forward to look at the view that for once wasn’t obscured by any glass. The lights weren’t blurred, just slightly dimmed by the polluted air. Still, Yves was taking everything in hungrily, careful not to miss any detail.

She took a deep breath and her lungs stung when a wave of cold air filled them. And in that moment she felt as if she was waking up after a long hibernation. It was a lot to process especially after such a long break from any kind of intensity, so she leaned against the ledge to stabilize herself.

“Please don’t.” she heard Jinsoul’s voice reaching a higher pitch, so she checked to see if the woman was doing alright. She was standing a bit closer now and Yves could see the slight distress on her face. Maybe she was afraid of heights. “Step back from the edge…”

“Sooyoung.”

Jinsoul nodded and took another careful step towards her.

“Okay, Sooyoung.” She continued. “Maybe we should go back inside.”

“Sorry, I just missed the view.”

Silence. Jinsoul looked at her and scrunched her eyebrows once again. Sooyoung was sure she had never seen such an expressive face before.

“You’re here for the view.” She repeated with a slight question in her tone. Her shoulders relaxed a bit after Sooyoung nodded. “Well, let’s see it then.”

A couple more steps and she was standing right next to her. Sooyoung was focused on the scenery of the city. So many people were currently rushing somewhere, entranced in the frantic dance of everyday life. Even in the evenings tons of them were busy and had no time to stop and think about anything but their current goal or destination. The overwhelming mass of thoughts started flooding her again and she could see the lights getting hazy.

The stars weren’t visible anyway due to decades of irresponsible behavior. Nobody even remembered who she was and only saw Yves when looking at her face. Would her friends notice she started changing again? Maybe it was only temporary anyway. Truth be told, she could already see the view as a blurry mix of fog and dull hues.

Almost inaudible shifting distracted her enough for her to turn towards its source. Jinsoul was still standing next to her, their shoulders almost touching. She appeared to be contemplating some matters only known to her while staring at the city spread out in front of her with the same serene expression. Her hair was radiating more light than the streetlamps on the ground.

Sooyoung looked up. The lack of stars suddenly seemed insignificant.

“Do you like silence, Jinsoul?”

There was no reply and Sooyoung could feel herself smiling.

The next breath wasn’t as overwhelming.

xx


End file.
